Waiting for “a more convenient season”

"First, I must confess that over the past few years I have been gravely disappointed with the white moderate. 

I have almost reached the regrettable conclusion that the Negro’s great stumbling block in his stride toward freedom is not the White Citizen’s Counciler or the Ku Klux Klanner, but the white moderate, who is more devoted to “order” than to justice; who prefers a negative peace which is the absence of tension to a positive peace which is the presence of justice; who constantly says: “I agree with you in the goal you seek, but I cannot agree with your methods of direct action”; who paternalistically believes he can set the timetable for another man’s freedom; who lives by a mythical concept of time and who constantly advises the Negro to wait for a “more convenient season.” 

Shallow understanding from people of good will is more frustrating than absolute misunderstanding from people of ill will. Lukewarm acceptance is much more bewildering than outright rejection.”

- MLK Jr

Reverend King’s words still ring true, and apply even today to the struggle of all marginalized people to be treated as equals and to dispel the hierarchy of privilege imposed by Western Colonialist culture.  

I hear these words, “Not now.  It’s not your time.  Wait for a ‘more convenient season’, as we have other priorities.”  This saddens me.

Within the path of my own life, I see all too clearly the intersectional nature of the same forces that hold back people of color, the differently abled, the queer community, and transgender people.  None of us quite fit the Western Colonialist culture.  We are all seen as somehow living life improperly, due to factors beyond our control. There’s that taint of the broken concept of ‘original sin’, with our differences seen as somehow being more sinful, thus placing us lower on the hierarchy of privilege.

I think that even those of us involved with a faith that has no room for the concept of original sin have, by being raised and living within a Western Colonialist culture, incorporated the cultural concept into our patterns of thought and action.  There is a subtle tendency to place obligation on those whom we see as somehow less worthy, less privileged or more damaged, even when our intentions are good.

We see this placing of obligation in patterns of speech, those little conversation starters and commentary that some see as harmless, but place obligations on the less privileged.  These often carry demands that others justify their presence, or even their existence, demands that are simply not present between privileged peers.  They may serve to put others in their place on a perceived hierarchy of privilege.

“No, where are you REALLY from?”

“Oh, did you see the dress he is wearing?”

“What are you?”

“You don’t act like a normal black person, ya know?”

“I just don’t understand why you’d want to mutilate your body.”

“No, you’re white.”

“You look just like a real woman.”

“No, I don’t do pronouns.”

We call these microaggressions, although there really is nothing “micro” about them to the person on the receiving end.  Impact is rather different than intention, and whether a person is marginalized by nationality, race, orientation, ability, or gender identity, it hurts to be reminded of having less privilege.  It hurts to be put in what others believe is our place.

It hurts to be told that it is not yet our time.  It hurt when I was 15 years old, and it still hurts to hear this at age 65.  I wonder if I will live long enough to see our time come.

I long for the day when I will not be viewed as being wrong for simply existing.  I hope for the day when simply living as our authentic selves will be accepted by the world, rather than seen as proof of our unworthiness, our sin, our mental illness, or other codewords for hatred.

Is it possible to look to common cause, the intersectional source of much of the poor behaviors that we see as white supremacy culture, as homophobia, transphobia, and the other manifestations that come from Western Colonial culture’s assumption that there is only one right set of beliefs, appearances, and ways to live?   Is it possible to move the conversation towards accepting diversity, not only in race, but in nationality, in ability, in gender, in sexuality and identity?

Or, are we advised to wait for “a more convenient season?”

“Letter From a Birmingham Jail”, King, Martin Luther, Jr. (Southern Christian Leadership Conference), April 16, 1963

https://kinginstitute.stanford.edu/king-papers/documents/letter-birmingham-jail

“The Time Is Always Right to Do What Is Right”, Michelle Paquette, 2019

https://michellepaquette.blogspot.com/2019/01/the-time-is-always-right-to-do-what-is.html

“Thoughts on Privilege”, Michelle Paquette, 2019

https://michellepaquette.blogspot.com/2019/01/thoughts-on-privilege.html

“TRUUsT Releases Report on the Experiences of Trans Unitarian Universalists"
https://transuu.org/2019/01/21/truust-releases-report/

"BORN BAD: Original Sin and the Making of the Western World”, James Boyce, Counterpoint, 2015

https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1619024985/ref=nodl_

How Can I Learn If You Won’t Teach Me?

How Can I Learn If You Won’t Teach Me?

Michelle Paquette

In recent conversations, I was exposed yet again to persons of privilege indicating that it was the responsibility of marginalized persons to teach them.  While marginalized persons may have the knowledge or experience that a person of privilege wants to gain, it really is not their responsibility to serve as tutor.  Learning is the responsibility of the person of privilege, and transferring that responsibility to the marginalized persons is an act of privilege.

Now, a marginalized person may very well understand their experience and the issues that they face.  They are engaged with these issues on a daily basis, and yearn for the time when persons of privilege will listen and take in their experience.  That ask by a person of privilege tugs at their yearning, their hope that others will listen, learn, and improve the social environment.  That ask can produce a sense of gratitude, that some privileged person actually values them in some way.

That ask also serves to reinforce the hierarchy between persons of privilege and the marginalized person, however.  Rather than use the hundreds or thousands of resources available on the subject available to the privileged person, whether via the internet, the book store, the library, or professional training and classes, the marginalized person is expected to perform on demand.  That, after all, is their place as an inferior, to accede to one’s demands as a person of privilege.

By insisting that they can only learn if the marginalized person right then and there sacrifices further hours of time going over the ground that they have covered so often in the past, the person of privilege can successfully make the marginalized person question themselves, and the value that sharing their knowledge and experience brings to the table.  With repetition, this experience may succeed in driving the marginalized person away altogether.  

With this transfer of responsibility for education to the marginalized person, the person of privilege communicates that they would very much like to learn, but if the marginalized person fails to respond and educate on demand they are responsible for holding the person of privilege back, preventing them from becoming properly compassionate, understanding, and better connected.  It becomes not the fault of the person of privilege, but blame is dropped squarely on the marginalized person for failing to grant them the boon of education.

This demand, then, becomes another act of privilege, reminding the marginalized person of their lesser privilege, putting them in their place yet again.

Now, as a marginalized person I do care about these issues, and am willing to educate others.  My willingness does not make the education of others my responsibility, however.  Persons who would like me to provide them with information, education, or knowledge need to make a little effort, and show up at a time and place where I am prepared and willing to do this work for them.

It is not my responsibility to educate others.  It is their responsibility to learn, to do the work, engage in even the most basic efforts.  Buy the book, read the article, listen to the recording, watch the video.  Show up for the class.  It is not my responsibility to digest the material and spoon-feed it to others on demand.  

Even marginalized persons have other demands on their lives, other obligations beyond being at the beck and call of privileged persons.  Even marginalized persons have work to do, classes to attend, family to care for.  Privilege does not grant a greater priority on the time of a marginalized person than their own needs demand.

Persons of privilege are not entitled to monopolize the time and energy of marginalized persons merely to sate their own curiosity.  There are other resources available, at very modest effort.  Google it, for goodness sakes!  Read a book.  There are plenty of resources with the information desired already distilled into bits easily swallowed.

If a marginalized person should point out that some behavior is offensive, recognize that they are not taking on the obligation to correct that behavior.  That is the task and responsibility of the offender, to gracefully accept the indication, and do the work to verify and correct that behavior as needed.

If a marginalized person sets aside time to educate others, as a class nor presentation for example, any person of privilege with interest should make the effort to attend.  The marginalized person is offering a gift.  Never assume that the marginalized person will be willing to repeat their class or presentation one-on-one with a person of privilege who failed to attend.  That, once again, is merely an exercise in privilege and serves to put the marginalized person in their place as a person of lesser privilege.

My conversations with people of privilege often feel like I am repeatedly pounding my head against a brick wall.  Oh, sure, if I do it long enough, perhaps I will leave a mark, but it certainly is not comfortable.  And honestly, there are times when I would like to take a break, just enjoy a nice cup of coffee and perhaps some chocolate cake, without having to slam my head into the wall again.

There is no need to remind me that if I only cared about my issues, I should be willing to step up and slam my head into that wall again, surely a small price to pay for a better world!  Unless,of course, the real goal is to slam me down yet again, in the hope that I will go away and stop making the privileged feel slightly uncomfortable.

Are persons of privilege willing to step up, and take responsibility for their own education?

Hey, get my pronouns right!

Getting repeatedly misgendered, even if somehow innocently, at this stage of transition is both a real kick in the teeth, and a nasty reality check. 

Misgendering is the most common microaggression I encounter as a woman who happens to also be a transgender person.  Some practice deliberate misgendering, a not-so-micro bit of aggression.  Others try to some extent to get my gender right, but when distracted, not concentrating on their words, will misgender me, as they internally are thinking of me as something other than my correct gender.

Some people who know of my past are stuck on thinking of me as a man in a dress. I was never a man, although I could fake it well enough to pass after a few decades of work. The world provides some hellish incentives to fake it well and master suppressing ourselves. 

Faking it so long is emotionally and psychologically damaging, of course. I’m healing slowly from that.  It has taken me a very long time to accept myself and move forward with dropping the disguise and being my authentic self. 

When one of us is misgendered, it is a hammer blow, telling us we are failures, not working hard enough, and condemned to this living hell of being seen as something we are not. 

To one of us, that casual “oops” moment has an impact far greater than the intent. 

And no, the “fix” is not for me to “man up” or “grow a pair”.   That is not me. 

All I can do is work even harder at tracking down the last vestiges of “him” and ripping them out, while remaining true to myself and not becoming a caricature.  Others, on the other hand, can excuse callous behavior with a casual “oops” and a hand wave, and continue being casually offensive. 

No big deal, right?  “Sorry if I invalidated your identity, no biggie, I’ll try to not do it again in the next few minutes.”  While thinking “Damn, what does he want?  We put up with him wearing a dress, and didn’t use any of those offensive names for him. We are doing everything possible!”

See, this isn’t really being accepting. First, I am not and never was a man. Yes, this body had some male characteristics, but that didn’t match at all well with what was in my brain, where the primitive bits in the brain-body interface grew to run a female body. I’m a woman who was stuck with a male shell. 

I tried my best to get along in that but the distress from the mismatch became too much. Medically necessary treatments are bringing my body in line with the control systems in my brain.  

Second, I am now legally and medically a woman. My anatomy is typical of a woman post-hysterectomy with cervical closure. My blood chemistry is that of a post-menopausal woman on long term hormone replacement therapy.  My Kaiser card says “Gender: F”. My birth certificate says “Female”. My passport says “Female”. Even the mighty DMV says “SEX F”.

I have gone to a great deal of trouble to comply with this culture’s demands. With all due respect, what is wrong with you who casually call me a man?

Third, the issue of male privilege is something that comes up particularly in women’s spaces. 

When I was faking being a man, I had a passing acquaintance with male privilege. I was at the bottom of the pecking order as a wimpy effeminate introvert. I had to constantly be on guard lest I be caught out as a femme mind in that body, as the retribution would be swift and violent.

I tried to leave the assumption of my minimal male privilege behind as I transitioned to living as my authentic self. I do realize that I had a different experience than natal women growing up, but I do know what it is to be assaulted, harassed based on perceived sexuality, and have experienced “victim blaming” and “boys will be boys” (not me, my attackers) first hand. 

I am me. I am a woman. My path to womanhood is more complex than most, but I am a woman. 

Please don’t casually negate my identity. Please, make the tiniest effort to recognize me. 

Thank you.