Transgender Day of Visibility…

Can I be invisible now? Or at least have a cookie?

Originally published on Medium.com, Mar 31, 2022

Photo by the author

It’s another Transgender Day of Visibility, and I can already see all the social media signs that this one will be a doozy.

The Transgender Day of Visibility (TDoV) is an annual awareness day celebrated around the world. The day is dedicated to celebrating the accomplishments of transgender and gender nonconforming people, and raising awareness of the work that still needs to be done in the interest of equlity and justice. It has also become an informal special day of action by others, with rather different interests.

The first thing I saw on Medium was an article called 
“What Happens If Trans Women Aren’t Women?” The author argues for the sincerity of people dedicated to pushing transgender women out of safe spaces, and in many cases out of visibility, and that trans women should just be content to be “trans women”, “trans men” should just be “trans men”, while somehow still feeling validated and recognized as human beings with human rights.

While I find the goal of a new culture that simply recognizes all human beings as human to be admirable, I’m not willing to sacrifice my own life, health, and happiness to the abstract hope that such a culture might emerge in a few hundred years. In a patriarchal culture hell-bent on demanding all follow its broken binary model, I need to find a way to live my remaining life while being recognized as a person, not “other”, the bogeyman, or the Monster in a rousing chase with pitchforks and torches raised.

Over to the mail app, where I find the usual collection of spewage has grown for TDoV, while mixed with pleas for funding and a few press releases. The mail filters have disposed of most of the rubbish already, and a quick pass weeds out the rest.

I still spend a few minutes every day checking on Facebook content, as that is how some of us senior citizens stay in touch with each other. Facebook figured out my gender-variant nature long ago, and the mighty algorithm sells ads into my feed which specified just the right keywords. There are the usual scams and such, along with a few fresh offers from online churches to help me repair my sinful ways. Yah. Been there, done that. Conversion therapy didn’t work in 1970 even with medical folks behind it, and it still doesn’t work today.

I check Twitter for activity for a few other friends. Fellow trans folks and allies have put up the requisite TDoV posts, naturally. Just as night follows day, the usual transmisic folks have shown up with their endless comments and shared wisdom. A quick scroll shows that many in the debate firmly believe in their 6th grade 1960s biology text as the summation of all human knowledge, while other practice the highly skilled strategy of the “ad-hominem” rebuttal.

Yes, it is once again the Transgender Day of Visibility. Where’s my damn cookie?

Michelle’s Ultimate Chocolate Chip Cookies

• 1 c butter, softened (2 sticks)
• 1/2 c white sugar (100 g)
• 1 1/2 c packed brown sugar (310 g)
• 3 eggs
• 1 tbsp vanilla extract
• 1 tbsp blackstrap molasses
• 3 c all-purpose flour (375 g)
• 1 tsp baking soda OR 2 tsp calcium carbonate — baking grade
• 1/2 tsp salt (optional)
• 1 tsp ground cinnamon
• 2/3 tsp nutmeg
• 1/2 tsp allspice
• 1/2 tsp ground cloves
• 1/2 tsp ginger
• 2 c semisweet chocolate chips

Preheat oven to 350 degrees F.

Cream together the butter, white sugar, and brown sugar until smooth. Beat in the eggs one at a time, then stir in the vanilla and molasses. Add baking soda to batter along with salt if needed. Add in the spices; cinnamon, nutmeg, allspice, ground cloves, and ginger. Stir in flour until smooth, then add the chocolate chips. Drop by large spoonfuls onto ungreased pans, preferably lined with parchment paper.

Bake for about 10–12 minutes in the preheated oven, or until edges are nicely browned.

 

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Me and My Shadow

Response to Logan’s Corner Writing Prompt

Originally published in "Logan's Corner", Mar 28, 2022

Image by Author

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I performed this piece for Mt Diablo Unitarian Universalist Church, on Sunday March 27, 2022, as the Call to Worship in a service talking about shadow and light, Jungian philosophy, and the Transgender Day of Visibility! Logan’s (@logansilkwood) writing prompt “Tell your story with different words” inspired the style of this particular retelling.

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We each have a shadow, of course. When the light is right, we can see it there, unique to each of us, yet two-dimensional, and taking the color and texture of the surface it happens to be cast upon. It’s a bit like a chameleon that way, more or less holding our outline while blending in, unnoticed and safely ignored.

Shadows are safe, you see. Harmless, blending in, drawing no attention. That which lies in shadow is hidden from the light. That can be useful. We can hide things in shadow.

Sometimes, we can even hide ourselves. It’s a matter of safety, you see. When hiding within a shadow we are seen as blending in, drawing no attention. We don’t risk making others uncomfortable with our presence. We don’t risk provoking outrage or violence through our visibility.

Living one’s life hiding in the shadows has its own costs. There’s the effort of maintaining that shadow, keeping up a socially acceptable, safe but dull presence to hide behind. There’s the impact of having to remain hidden in the shadows, isolated, feeling blue, and dealing with that very uncomfortable blend of depression and anxiety that arises over time.

Some of us are told that this is how we must live, that the only acceptable way of living one’s life is appearing to be socially acceptable, safe, not making others uncomfortable with our presence. Oh, this is rarely an explicit message. We are told how we must live by the jokes others tell about folks who are a little different, by the horror stories told around campfires and mass media that associate being different with monstrously bad behavior. There’s an implicit caution that being a little too different will result in our being seen as the butt of jokes, or the horrific monster menacing others and provoking the wrath of the villagers.

It is a poor way to live ones entire life, just to avoid making others a bit uncomfortable, while worrying that if discovered, the villagers might break out the pitchforks and torches. This tends to take the joy out of life.

Some of us are fortunate enough to enjoy the privilege of actually living our lives as ourselves. We may live in places where the law actually forbids ending us with a quick round of “monster and the villagers” or prohibits our being forced into treatments designed to push us back into shadow as a sort of reparative therapy. In these places we can actually step out of the shadow into the light.

Stepping out of our own shadow and revealing ourselves feels like a very dangerous move to many of us. All those bad jokes, the thoughtless comments, and the horrific media depictions have conditioned us to expect the worst. We often need to see that it is possible to live our lives as ourselves. We need to see that beyond the transient troubles we might experience, that there is an opportunity to find joy and peace to replace that depression and anxiety.

We need to receive that message that we will be all right. We need to know that others have done this, that they are thriving outside of the safety of shadow.

It’s going to be all right. When we gather on the side of love, supporting one another, it’s going to be all right.

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I’m Michelle Paquette, and my pronouns are She/Her/Hers.

This writing was inspired by the song “Me and my shadow”, written by Al Jolson, Billy Rose, and Dave Dreyer in 1927.

Writing Prompt: Tell Your Story with Different Words
A “Logan’s Corner” Writing Prompt medium.com