I’m Trans. I’m Human. I’m a Weird Old Lady.

A response to the Prism & Pen writing prompt: I’m LGBTQ, but You Don’t Know THIS About Me.

Originally Published in

Prism & Pen

Jan 25, 2022

Photo by Michelle Paquette

My wardrobe has entirely too many dresses, and I need to do something about all the shoes. All just suburban girl problems, which would be nothing really, but for an accident of birth.

You see, when I was born, the doctor told my folks they had a healthy baby boy. He was wrong, of course, but the mistake was understandable. Still, that little technical oversight makes me a transgender person, with a gender identity that doesn’t match what Mom and Dad were told.

Does knowing that I am a transgender person mean that you now know everything about me? That one little word hardly describes my life and how I live it. I would have to say it is almost irrelevant to my daily life. Take Thursday, for example…

I woke up about 8:30 in the morning, in bed with my wife and three cats. The cats were very well-rested, no doubt recovered already from walking back and forth across us at about four in the morning. My wife and I were a bit groggy but started our day with a kiss. I propped myself up in bed while she went into the hall to fetch our morning coffees.

Coffees in hand, we both sat in bed, poking at our gadgets. This is a bit of a morning ritual for our life as retired folks. I checked my mail and found I had a new request to deliver a presentation on “Magnetic Loop Antennas” via Zoom to an amateur radio club meeting in Northern California. I checked my calendar, and penciled in the date, sending an acknowledgment back to the club’s scheduling person.

We flipped through the news, and Laurie shared a few funny posts on Facebook with me. I don’t do Facebook anymore, as someone went through and reported dozens of my old posts, resulting in a ban on my account. So it goes.

I got a second cup of coffee for the two of us, and while my wife sipped hers, I put on my exercise clothes and headed downstairs for a light breakfast with my coffee, half of a homemade bran muffin, and my morning workout. I try to do about 45 minutes a day on an elliptical trainer, something I have kept up for about 15 years now. I found it was easier on the knees and ankles than jogging, and more practical considering the weather here in the Pacific Northwest.

After my workout, I toweled off and changed to old denim jeans and a sweater. I’ve been upgrading a storage space, our garage attic, to be usable as a workroom. That has meant insulating the space and putting up interior walls and the ceiling, all meeting the local building code. I’m nearly done, with walls and a shiplap sloping ceiling in place, and am preparing to put in flooring.

Photo by Michelle Paquette

Today’s project is to make baseboard moulding, using several lengths of leftover shiplap board. I set up the table saw to cut 2 3/8” strips from the boards after trimming off one side. I then set up the table router to first smooth the rough cuts on the strips, and then switched to a Roman ogee bit to shape the upper edge of each strip, with a result that looks similar to classic “Coronado” moulding in a 2 1/4” height.

My wife takes a break from her day and helps me with cleaning out the work area, moving remaining lumber and moulding pieces to the garage, and I clear away the sawdust with the shop vacuum. I’ll still need to do a little prep work, and then I can put in the flooring.

Photo by Michelle Paquette

My wife, her sister who lives with us, and I have a family dinner every night, sitting down at the table together. I’m cooking tonight, like most nights, and leave work in that room behind to start dinner. Tonight I’ll be preparing meatloaf, butternut squash, cream biscuits with sausage gravy, along with a spinach and romaine salad with citrus dressing. I generally prepare everything from scratch, as I find it tastes better, and can be healthier for us. I also find cooking and baking to be very enjoyable activities.

We sit down to dinner at about six in the evening and chat about the news, goofy events, politics, and other irrational human behaviors. My sister-in-law tells a funny story about the hummingbirds that visit the feeder outside her window, engaging in a territorial battle over the sugar water that helps them get through the winter.

After dinner, my wife did the cleanup, following the long-standing policy of “I cooked, you clean” we operate under. While she did the cleanup, I put the first coat of paint on the new moulding, and then it was my turn to clean up a bit, removing the paint from my brush and my hands. We kicked back to relax with a little dessert my wife put together, ice cream with toppings, and watched an episode of “The Expanse” on TV. Finally, we did our evening ablutions, and teeth brushed, headed to bed.

Did anything about being transgender inform you about my day, my skills, or any other aspects of my life? Did that one little adjective tell you much of anything about me?

I do have too many dresses and shoes, things I once wore in daily life before daily life became all about social distancing and sheltering in place. I considered myself to be high femme in my presentation at one point, but now, on days where travel can be limited to wandering between bedroom, kitchen, and living room, soft old denim, and comfy sweaters dominate my daily wear.

My therapist once asked me, very early in my transition, what I expected to be when I reached the other side of the transition. I told her that I expected to be a weird old lady.

Goal achieved!

This story is a response to the Prism & Pen writing prompt: I’m LGBTQ, but You Don’t Know THIS About Me.

I’m LGBTQ, but You Don’t Know THIS About Me
A Prism & Pen writing promptmedium.com

Other stories so far →

Curious Treasures in a Kinky Closet
Cosmopolitan longings and a rural redneck upbringing produce tensionmedium.com

Running in High Heels and Other Skills of Trans Manhood
A response to the Prism & Pen writing prompt: “I’m LGBTQ, but You Don’t Know THIS About Me”medium.com

I’m Queer, but I Don’t Fit the Stereotypes
I’m a mess of contradictions. I’m human.medium.com

Her: I read your poem online. What’re you gay now?
There’s a simple short answer. Yes, and always.medium.com

After 15 Years of LGBTQ Living, I Forget I am Queer Sometimes
Queer is my most interesting trait for some, forgettable for me.medium.com

I’m A Lesbian Who Can Sew Cushions To Go With Your Couch
I’m LGBTQ but you don’t know this about memedium.com

 

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Happy Re-birth Day!

Legal documents for name and gender marker change. / Photo by Michelle Paquette

Five years ago this week I completed the process of having my name and gender officially recognized and recorded by the state. The laws and procedures have changed in California and other states since I did this, largely for the better.

In November I put together the various forms and documents needed for the legal gender and name change. The Transgender Law Center’s “ID Please” guide was very useful in doing this. The petition, doctor’s letters required for the gender marker change, and supporting forms were all filed with the court, and I was given a court date of January 13, 2017 to appear for the name change proceeding.

While waiting for the court date, I prepared the various documents that I would need in addition to a court order to revise my birth certificate, passport, and drivers license. I wanted to get all of this filed before January 20, 2017, as on that date a new federal administration would come into power, and I was concerned about how they might want to alter policies and procedures compared to the previous administration.

The court did offer the option of simply picking up the records on approval, after which I could file them with the county clerk. I decided to appear instead, just in case one of our local cranks decided to raise an objection to my name and gender change request.

Here’s my record of the day from 5 years ago.

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I think I just set some sort of record.

My petition to the Court requesting the government acknowledge my existence was heard this morning at 9:00 AM. The judge had a couple of other name change petitions this morning, and called us all forward by name, to be seated at the Petitioner and Respondant tables. Yes, I heard “Michelle Jean Paquette” called for the first time in that courtroom.

He then signed the documents, passing them to the clerk, who did something with the computer system and then handed us the documents. He told us to take them downstairs to Filing, get them recorded, and get certified copies. (Nothing unexpected there.) In at 9:00, and out with my court order recognizing me at 9:08.

I had the order filed at once, and got my certified copies, embossed with the court seal and stamp, and signed by the Clerk. By 10 AM I was home. I put the car away, grabbed my prepared materials, and added the court order copies. Time for a little walk to the Civic Center.

At 10:30 I was in the Post Office queue, and by 11 (they ARE the post office…) I had posted a packet to the Department of Vital Records, by priority mail, that should arrive Monday. That one requests the birth certificate under the new name and gender, and seals the old certificate.

At 11:10 I had checked in at Social Security and was in their queue. At noon, my Numident record had my new name and gender inserted. Off to the Department of Motor Vehicles (DMV).

At 12:15 I was in the DMV queue. At 12:30, they rejected my paperwork, due to a blank ‘Case Number’ field in the doctor’s form. Kaiser doesn’t seem to actually have case numbers, after calling them, but my Medical Record Number would do. Yay cellphones. OK, I fill that in and get back in the queue. Eventually a really nice older woman calls my number, and we chat while she gets the system to open up the name/gender change screens. A manager has to sign the forms, and then unlock the screen so the clerk can enter the new information. At 2:08 PM, I have the traditional bad photo taken, and I am out the door, new license on the way, old license sealed.

Five hours from gavel strike to being done with the Birth certificate, Social Security card, and Drivers License. The SS and DMV cards will be here within 2 weeks. The birth certificate takes a few months, but everything is filed and in process before any administrative rule changes might happen.

Time for a lunch break… Or something…

Over the moon? Elated? Excited? Oh, you bet! I am definitely going to celebrate this event. I don’t know how, just yet, but it will happen.

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I had all of my documents, including a corrected passport in my hands by March of 2017. Sometimes, things really do go well. It’s worth celebrating and remembering those good days.

 

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There’s More To Me Than One Label Holds

Originally published in "An Injustice" magazine, Jan 2, 2022

For all the ‘purists’ who believe “chromosomes are everything” and “sex at birth is all”…

“If your crazy-ass theory of the world doesn’t ease the suffering of people whom you do not understand, maybe what you actually need is a new theory.”

— Jenny Boylan

The Whole Trans Thing

I personally reject the idea that the sex assigned at birth determines all of my identity, drawing a hard boundary around the gender role and presentation I am permitted, and forcing me to remain in one little box of gender identity.

I am aware of the potentialities of biology and biochemistry, and understand the path this body has taken from conception onward, resulting in a person who has transcended the boundaries that this culture draws around gender identity, presentation, and role. My awareness demands that I reject the ideologies that declare assigned sex at birth to be all, or even the primary determinant as to which cultural boundaries I must remain within.

I recognize that there are those whose ideology demands that they deny the validity of my experience, and who demand that I remain within the bounds set by assigned sex at birth.

I also recognize that there are those who accept part of my path and my experience, but for whom my origin and experience are insufficiently pure, ideologically unacceptable in summation, to be worthy of their chosen labels.

These various interacting ideologies and prejudgements make social interactions a bit of a minefield. Living in a culture that insists on a gender binary, and only accepts a narrow set of paths through life can lead to someone like me being rejected or viewed as undesirable by some others. While I personally do push hard for acceptance and recognition that people like me are human and valid, I don’t do this to deliberately others cause discomfort in others. I wouldn’t be comfortable pushing into a crowd that rejects my right to exist as myself.

I would, for example, no more demand entry to a “womyn-born-womyn” event than I would try to attend a Klu Klux Klan rally, for similar reasons. I’d be encountering people whose ideology denies the validity of my existence, and who would not be swayed by my presence.

I do have to be mindful that not all such groups label themselves clearly, and am careful to reach out to organizers in advance to make sure my attendance won’t cause difficulties. I’ve run into situations where a group might tolerate me, but other individuals there are uncomfortable with my presence. I generally will drop such groups, rather than have my presence cause issues.

This is an area that lies outside the experience of the typical white upper-middle-class cisgender woman, but is a part of my life. I am somewhat social and extroverted, and can’t really live my life closeted to avoid causing discomfort to some others.

There’s More To Me Than One Label Holds

That one word, “transgender”, is merely a descriptive adjective. In my case, it very roughly describes how I arrived at my current place in life with respect to gender. Other than that, it’s pretty much irrelevant.

That one label says almost nothing about my skills, my knowledge, or my lifetime of experiences. It doesn’t indicate anything about my carpentry skills. It certainly doesn’t indicate my skill as a technical instructor, an engineer, or cook. It doesn’t even indicate which power tools I’m proficient with!

Honestly, being a transgender person is almost irrelevant to my daily life. I get up, have my morning coffee(s) with my wife, work out, fix a late breakfast, and start in on the day’s projects. These projects might include:

• Finish carpentry on the garage attic I’m turning into a workroom
• Starting some bread
• Grocery shopping
• Preparing notes for a class I’m teaching
• Recording a training video
• Participating in assorted meetings and discussions, mostly online these days
• Doing a bit of research or writing

Later I may be preparing dinner for the household, doing a bit of cleaning or mending on the side, and eventually enjoying a nice meal with my wife and her sister. These are just human activities, the normal elements of my life that occupy my time.

Oh, they don’t occupy all of my time. There are cats to be played with, and of course my dear wife to attend to. We are not islands, after all!

My point is that I am a human being. I am not a political phenomenon, or an ideology to be debated. I can’t be easily defined out of existence.

The right to identify our own existence lies at the heart of one’s humanity. And so, we must heed their voices: ‘the woman that I am,’ ‘the man that I am.’

— US District Judge Carmen Consuelo Cerezo. (From a court order overturning the categorical ban on corrections to the gender marker in birth certificates. )

Finally, a cautionary note: Should you be prone to committing acts of assumption, know that your cultural stereotypes do not interest me, and if you make the mistake of assuming that I fit some stereotype, know that at some point I will happily, joyfully shock you.

Retired software engineer, holder of 19 patents, former nuclear engineering trainer and tech instructor, FCC license examiner and trainer, with experience in finish carpentry and baking. I also have cats…

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An Injustice!
A new intersectional publication, geared towards voices, values, and identities!aninjusticemag.com

Elevator speech — deadnaming and misgendering

I was recently asked to record an “elevator speech”, a short presentation to deliver a message with some impact. The topic I was l given was to explain why misgendering and deadnaming are considered to be harmful. One minute…

I tried the ‘start with why’ approach to grab attention, addressing the ‘why’ behind the need to use correct pronouns and names for the people they encounter through it’s emotional impact. The correct use of pronouns and meaning of “deadname” were presented separately, as part of a broader training.

Here’s what I came up with:

“A transgender person takes on a significant challenge in recognizing that they have a gender identity not matching what society insists they should be. Being dead named or misgendered, even if unintentional, hurts. It declares that their identity isn’t real, that we’ve been just humoring them, and their lived experience means nothing.

It hurts. It strikes like a hammer blow. Being deadnamed in the pharmacy or misgendered by a receptionist is humiliating, shakes one to the core, and brings a downward spiral of self-doubt for days.

Oh, but when we get it right, there’s joy. That simple affirmation, their name said, their gender seen, is tremendously positive. With this simple act, we affirm that we see them, their dignity, and we respect them. We build trust, with ourselves and our organization. They see this space not with apprehension but a sense of safety.”

The recording: https://youtu.be/MD8twgSDhxU

Baked Pumpkin Donuts

Baked Pumpkin Donuts

Prep Time: 10m

Cook Time: 15m

Yield: 18-20 donuts

Ingredients

2 cups all-purpose flour

(Spices can be replaced with 2 tsp pumpkin pie spice mix)

1 teaspoon cinnamon

1/2 teaspoon nutmeg

1/4 teaspoon allspice

1/8 teaspoon ground cloves

1/8 teaspoon ground ginger

2 teaspoons baking powder

1 teaspoon salt

1 (15 oz) can pumpkin puree

1 1/2 cups granulated sugar

⅓ cup vegetable oil

4 tablespoons unsalted butter, melted

1 teaspoon vanilla extract

3 large eggs

Directions

Preheat the oven to 350 F.

In a medium bowl, whisk together the flour, pumpkin pie spices, baking powder, and salt.

In a separate bowl, mix together the pumpkin puree, sugar, oil, melted butter, vanilla, and eggs.

Add the dry ingredients to the wet ingredients and beat until just combined.

Spoon the batter into a greased donut pan so that each mold is almost full. Smooth the tops with a small spatula or moistened finger

Bake the donuts for 15 to 18 minutes, or until a toothpick inserted comes out clean.

Put baked donuts on a rack to cool.

Frosting:

Make your favorite sugar glaze, or brush with melted butter and dip in a blend of 1/4 cup sugar and 2 teaspoons cinnamon 

The Cruelty is the Whole Point

 No, actually, the cruelty is the whole point.

I often hear friends commenting that some law or act in the news seems so cruel, that the folks responsible somehow do not recognize that they are being cruel and need to be educated.  Alas, my friends are blessed or cursed with empathy, and that makes recognizing some things terribly difficult.

The cruelty behind these actions and laws is really the whole point.  It’s the chosen tool of a large fraction of the population for enforcing their social norms, and they know exactly what they are doing.

If someone is seen as “too different”, or “out of line”, if they make others uncomfortable in some way, then they are seen as failing to fit into their assigned slot in the social hierarchy.

Cruelty is the tool used to correct this.

It may be cruelty applied directly by self-appointed enforcers in the form of harassment, beatings, or killings.  It may be formalized cruelty, denying basic necessities, medical care, policing, and imprisonment or involuntary commitment to an institution.

About a quarter of US adults:

• Are naturally submissive to authority figures they consider legitimate
• act aggressively in the name of these authority figures
• are conventional (ie conformist) in thought and behavior

These are “right-wing authoritarians.”  

“Right-wing” refers to their desire for a rigid hierarchical structure, and dates back to the loyal royalists who gathered in 1789 in the National Constitutive Assembly following the French Revolution, on the right side of the hall.  Those who wanted to reduce the powers of monarchy were on the left wing.

“Authoritarian” refers to favoring strict obedience to authority, particularly in government, at the expense of personal freedom.

The right-wing authoritarian seeks to increase uniformity and minimize diversity, using social control, coercion and the use of group authority to constrain those seen as undesirable.  They are drawn to leaders who are seen as being at the top of a hierarchy, and are themselves believers in rigid social hierarchies. 

Right-wing authoritarians are more likely to make incorrect inferences from evidence and to hold contradictory ideas resulting from compartmentalized thinking. They are also more likely to uncritically accept insufficient evidence that supports their beliefs and they are less likely to acknowledge their own limitations.  Measured against other factors of personality, authoritarians generally score lower on openness to experience and slightly higher on conscientiousness.

They believe they know better than those they see as stepping out of line.  They see the failure to adhere to what they see as the proper social hierarchy, and they will conscientiously work to correct this failure, for what they see as the good of all.  Oh, they almost certainly do not think through the rationale for their behavior in such detail.  If anything, they would consider themselves simply as people addressing a perceived problem, or perhaps as bullies for the greater good.

“One day you’ll thank me for this.”

Or not.

Morning Consult conducted a survey using the Altenmeyer scale for measurement of right-wing authoritarian tendencies.  The findings point to a significant problem growing in the USA.

https://morningconsult.com/2021/06/28/global-right-wing-authoritarian-test/

• A scale measuring propensity toward right-wing authoritarian tendencies found right-leaning Americans scored higher than their counterparts in Australia, Canada and the United Kingdom.
• 26% of the U.S. population qualified as highly right-wing authoritarian, Morning Consult research found, twice the share of the No. 2 countries, Canada and Australia. 
• The beliefs that voter fraud decided the 2020 election, that Capitol rioters were doing more to protect than undermine the government and that masks and vaccines are not pivotal to stopping COVID-19 were similarly prevalent among right-leaning Americans and those that scored high for right-wing authoritarianism.

Call to Worship: Mt. Diablo Unitarian Universalist Church, March 28

 A Call to Worship for the Transgender Day of Visibility

Welcome!  I am Michelle Paquette, and my pronouns are she/her/hers.

In our Unitarian Universalist faith we teach that we may each participate in a in free and responsible search for truth and meaning.

Many of us have been engaged in a search for our personal truths, a personal voyage of discovery.  This search may lead us to uncover deep truths about ourselves, and bring those truths to the surface.

As we find and live our truths, we may change how we identify ourselves, how we present ourselves to others in appearance, role, and identity.   This is a deeply personal act, in which we reveal these deep truths to others, and render ourselves vulnerable to them as part of trying to live our authentic lives. 

We ask of others that they also do something in response to our revelation.  We ask that they honor our worth and dignity, and accept us as we accept them.  

This isn’t always an easy thing to do.

Something I have stumbled over quite a bit in my life is a tendency to commit what I call “acts of assumption.”   My mind tries to match  what I perceive at first glance against cultural templates I’ve been taught over my life, to try and produce conclusions about a person I see before me.

I unconsciously commit these acts of assumption with every person I meet.  If that person then reveals something to me that conflicts with my assumptions about them, there is a bit of an internal conflict.  Which is correct, my assumptions or their revealed truths?

It’s not easy to reveal a deep truth about ourselves, only to have it rejected out of hand with a gesture, a remark, or a misgendering pronoun.

It’s not easy to realize that our assumptions are wrong, that the person we see before us is not who we thought they were, that we have perhaps made an unconscious error.  Still, it is easy to recover from this, learn, reset our assumptions, and move on.  It’s not so easy to have deep truths about ourselves casually rejected, authenticity denied.

In our Unitarian Universalist faith we strive to see the worth and dignity of every person, accept one another, and engage in a in free and responsible search for truth and meaning.  I love this about our faith, and I love the experience that this provides me.  I love being able to enter into a space where I know I can express my deep truths, be my authentic self, and know that I am in the company of others who honor my worth and dignity, and who accept me as I accept them.   Thank you for your gift.

This week, on March 31, we celebrate the Transgender Day of Visibility. 

We celebrate the Transgender Day of Visibility  in today’s service, which affirms the truth in each of us. As a community, we support each other through each of life’s transformations.  Later in the service, we will hold the Ceremony of Renaming for members of the community who are claiming their identities by living with a new name.

Let’s celebrate our revealed truths today, as we worship together.