Me and We; Call to Worship for National Coming Out Day

 Me and We; National Coming Out Day

Call to Worship for the October 11, 2020 service at Mt. Diablo Unitarian Universalist Church

When we as individuals make choices, we each tend to consider what might be best for ourselves.  This is normal and natural, a way we act to keep ourselves safe.  Something I ask that we consider, though, is how our choices impact others who share our interconnected web of life.

Today we are faced with the consequences of choices made years ago.  As the President said last week; “Elections have consequences.”  Now, years ago, each of us may have been considering our tax situation, our own desires, or perhaps our frustration with The System when we cast our votes.  Those votes have had consequences, however, that have a much broader impact than ourselves.

These consequences are having a profound effect on me, my partner, and many others in my community.  

Today is National Coming Out Day, a day established by LGBTQ activists in order to maintain positivity and celebrate coming out.  Most people think they don't know anyone gay, lesbian, bi, queer, or trans, and in fact, everybody does. It is imperative that we come out, let people know who we are and disabuse them of their fears and stereotypes.

There are a few things each person considering coming out really needs to be aware of:

• You may lose friends and family.
• You’re going to be OK; You are not always going to feel OK, but you’re going to be OK.
• If you want to make it, you’re going to have to learn to ask for help.
• It’s worth it!

When coming out as a transgender person, there are a few additional things to know:

• A gender transition may be too much to bear even for liberal family members.
• Should you try hormone replacement therapy… It’s like being a teenager all over again, both good and bad!
• Your sexuality may shift.

I’d like to disclose that I am a woman who is attracted to other women, and just last week I was honored to be married to Laurie, my life partner, in a ceremony held right here at Mt Diablo Unitarian Universalist Church, officiated by our own lead minister.

I am also a woman of transgender experience, forced to live part of my life pretending to be a man to try to avoid the abuse this culture heaps on anyone failing to meet narrow social standards.

Now, y’all know at least one LGBTQ person.

The consequences of the individual choices made by others have a profound impact on me.  In a 4 page opinion issued October 5, two Supreme Court justices referred to the Obergefell v. Hodges decision that allowed Laurie and I to be married; “The court has created a problem that only it can fix.”  They explicitly want to invalidate my marriage and are awaiting the appointment of a new justice who shares their opinion, an appointment made and to be approved by elected officials in our government.

Elections have consequences, indeed.

As military veterans, Laurie and I were were happy to learn that on June 30, 2016, Secretary Carter and the Obama administration approved a policy rescinding the decades-old ban on transgender persons serving in the military, after a study found no real reason, no real impact on readiness for maintaining the old ban. 

We were dismayed when the current elected Commander in Chief revoked our ability to serve with a midnight tweet.

Elections have consequences, indeed.

The Department of Housing and Urban Development, in a new ruling driven by elected officials, allows homeless shelters to assign individuals to housing based on their sex as assigned at birth.  If I am in a community where shelters operate under this rule, I would be assigned to a mens shelter.  I feel that I would rather sleep rough, on the street, than be placed at risk of violent abuse again.

Elections have consequences, indeed.

When we as individuals make choices, I ask that each of us consider not only our own wishes, but the impact of our choices on:

• The inherent worth and dignity of every person;
• Justice, equity and compassion in human relations;
• Respect for the interdependent web of all existence of which we are a part.

Let us consider this further today, as we worship together.

Life in lockdown - Day 10

For the greater San Francisco Bay Area, this is Day 4 of the Shelter in Place order.  For my partner and I, this is Day 10, as we got a bit of a head start from my own medical needs.  I’ve been quietly recovering from a surgery a week before the lockdown started.

Our days are spent quietly, playing around on social media, catching up on publications and articles, turning on the news to catch up on the outside world each evening.  I have books to catch up on, and I enjoy doing a bit of writing as well.

I’ve been digging out my old amateur radio equipment and getting it on the air, although due to my location, homeowners association restrictions, and the construction of this building, I have had very little luck with this hobby activity.  I do have some 50 year old equipment I have been restoring, and I have a couple of work tables set up in the guest bedroom that I use for tinkering about with this older equipment.  I don’t expect to have any house guests in the near future, so I can take over this space more for myself.

The view from the condo looks out over part of the huge Highway 680 and 24 interchange.  Roads that crept along in the morning and evening commute are almost empty, and “rush hour” looks like 3AM on a Sunday morning used to look.  I see a lot of trucks and utility vehicles going by, most intent on providing what I assume are necessary services, and a good number of private vehicles from the few commuters left on the road.

The downtown area looks like a ghost town.  The parking garages in the urban core are all shuttered, and street parking has been declared to be unmetered through the lockdown.  Many businesses are closed, and I honestly am not sure if some will re-open.  We’ve heard that unemployment claims are way up.

There’s a Kaiser Permanente hospital near here, as well as a CVS pharmacy and a Target store.  We’ve heard that these are all candidates for drive-up COVID-19 testing, assuming one meets all the pre-approval criteria, but have not yet seen signs of the expected tents in the parking lot for such a test setup.  Kaiser has already set up 19 drive-up testing sites in the region for its members.

Trying to maintain community contacts is a challenge.  Rainbow Community Center (RCC) and Mt. Diablo Unitarian Universalist Church (MDUUC), both groups that I am involved with, have been experimenting with teleconferencing software to handle team meetings and regular group gatherings.  MDUUC has been streaming its Sunday service for quite a while, and last weekend did its first “virtual only” Sunday service, with no audience and minimal staff, all practicing their safe social distancing skills, to provide a service that hundreds watched online.

Both my partner and I are quite active on the public side of Facebook, various private groups, and message boards, all of which feed virtual communities.  This can help a little, but I find that I am a social animal, and need some sort of human interaction.  Not being able to scratch that ‘social itch’ is frustrating, and has me feeling a bit irritable.

I’ve done some committee and board meetings for local organizations via the Zoom teleconference system, which has worked out very well.  I particularly like being able to see other actual human beings, and their facial responses to things I say.  It feels much more connected somehow than voice, and far better than textual exchanges such as message boards. Well, as long as folks turn on their cameras, anyway!  There are always the shy ones!

I have some books I am reading, and I really should get cracking on doing my tax returns, but I am so easily distracted, especially by my kitchen.  The past couple days I have made a Russian rye bread, a sourdough banana cinnamon raisin bread, and blueberry cobbler.  They all turned out very well.  I’ve been cooking full dinners, from corned beef and cabbage to a nice thick crust pizza, along with salads and sides.

I usually also do a hot breakfast, anything from simple steel-cut oats and berries, crumpets and coffee, to bacon and eggs with a hash or potatoes.  Some of that cinnamon raisin bread wound up as French toast yesterday.  The pantry is well stocked, and I have no problems improvising with what I have on hand.

Life in this odd enforced isolation is good so far, and my partner and I are getting along well and preserving each other’s sanity.  I have to confess that I do dread reaching the point where I have to brave the insanity of our grocery store again, a place that is dangerous for our health as senior citizens now, and apparently overrun by panicked shoppers.  Just why do you need two dozen onions and all of the beef jerky, anyway?

Surgery: Stage 2 revisions and breast augmentation

I had a full depth Gender Confirmation Surgery (GCS) 16 months ago, done as a single-stage procedure, but unfortunately the clitoral hood and labia minora shrank away, leaving some very sensitive spots very exposed.  There’s a reason I don’t wear pants very often!  Ow...

I now have a surgery scheduled for February 26 with Dr. Salim of the San Francisco Gender Clinic, at Kaiser San Francisco for a revision and breast augmentation (BA).

On the GCS revision, the plan is to fuse the very top of the labia majora to construct a clitoral hood, produce a pair of folds within the labia majora so as to reconstruct the labia minora, and at the posterior end the fourchette or labial frenulum, a fold of tissue joining the labia, will be lowered to be level with the introitus or vaginal entry.  (This will make dilation much easier.)

I’ll be off dilation for 3-4 days after surgery, and may have to restart using a narrower dilator at first.  Not a big deal.

I will be using that donut pillow again for a while, though.

For the BA, I’ll be getting 300cc implants.  These will be circular smooth-surface lightly cohesive with medium profile.  (Other profiles may be flat to extended or conical).  With my particular anatomy and pectoral muscle form, I will probably have the most natural appearance and improved aureole placement with an over-muscle implant, with incision in the new breast fold.  I should wind up with something like a 36C.

I’ll be on restricted activity for a month, and won’t be able to lift my arms above shoulder height for a while.  I’ll have to shuffle the kitchen around quite a bit!

—

And here I am, three days post-op! 

There’s a little discomfort at the labiaplasty site, nothing terrible.  I did use a minimal half tablet of the Norco equivalent I was prescribed to get to sleep last night.  The breast augmentation (BA) mostly just itches around the sides of the medical bra.  The Velcro front fastening on the bra kept coming loose until I put a safety pin through it, before I even left the hospital.  Having a BA?  Bring safety pins!

This morning marked the date I was to remove the bra and shower.  Oh, what a relief that is!  Of course, the unveiling produced it’s own reaction.  For just 300cc on a side, well, damn!    The incisions are quite small, surprising me.  It looks like they will wind up right on the fold, almost invisible.  I’ll start the silicone scar treatment as soon as I am cleared for this by the doctor.

I reapplied A&D ointment (allergic to bacitracin) on the labiaplasty sutures, and put on a fresh pad again.  Bleeding has almost stopped, just a tiny amount of oozing there.  I’ve been cleaning and swapping in fresh pads twice a day.

The Foley catheter is, well, a catheter, with all its own maintenance.  I have a night bag, a leg bag for daytime, and I have to drain them periodically as well as the sanitizing after swapping bags.  I’ve been more active yesterday afternoon and today, and of course that means the catheter tip and lumen (drain opening just behind the tip) have likely been brushing against the bladder lining.  A couple of clots have shown up in the bag, right after a twinge that tells me bladder pressure dropped suddenly.  They likely used a single-lumen catheter and the tiny opening was plugged by a clot.   I have to keep an eye on this, as a plugged indwelling catheter can cause significant problems.  (I can remove it, worst case, and suspect I can now pee on my own as swelling has started to subside.)

After the shower, I had to re-don a sports bra to maintain pressure and placement.  But first...

I have a fun Tommy Bahama resortware dress, rather open on top, that was a bit problematic to wear out in public.  I’d glue on a NuBra, and apply bronzer to try and fake cleavage out of my 34A-B bust.  Now, however, I can just wear it to good effect!

Rite of Passage: The Mammogram at Kaiser...

It’s a rite of passage. 

I am sitting in a medical building on a Saturday morning awaiting my first mammogram.   I’m all nerves and “what-ifs”.   We shall see.

Here we go. 

...

Ow. 

Four images, vertical and at 45 degrees. A fairly hard pinch after considerable tugging by the tech. But, it’s done. 

I wasn’t lectured on not doing this earlier. I wasn’t misgendered. Nobody even mentioned my trans origins. I was just another woman.   That was nice, actually. 

Good images, according to the tech. Now they go to the radiologist. 

...

Kaiser just called.

The radiologist wants me at their mammography center over in Martinez, for further imaging and possible ultrasound on my left breast.

I’m hoping that my issue is just dense tissue.  The left side is less developed.  Let’s face it, Tanner Stage 2-3 mammaries on a 65 year old is sort of odd.

...

Tuesday night...  The Kaiser automated reminder system reminded me I have an appointment tomorrow.  Yeah.  I’m aware of it.  It takes me a while to finally get to sleep.

...

Wednesday morning, already?  I didn’t sleep all that well.  It’s 5:30AM, and I was planning on getting up a little after 6.  Ah, well.  Might as well get up now.  

I start my oatmeal to simmering, then take a quick shower and get dressed.  No deodorant or powders, per the Kaiser message’s instructions.  I brew my coffee, just one cup for now, and collect my oatmeal.  Breakfast...

I catch up on my mail and messages, and peek at the news while eating.  No new disasters out in the world to distract me, so I finish up and get my stuff together.  Out to the car, and off to Martinez...

I arrive at the Kaiser campus and park.  Yes, campus, with a hospital, and a number of outbuildings.  I want the Hacienda building.  There are signs and maps, and I eventually find the building.  They even have good signage inside the buildings.  I follow the arrows with the pink ribbon markers to the Mammography Clinic, and queue up, about 20 minutes early.

Pay the copay.  Collect one gown, and head to the Female Patient Lounge.  Yes, that is the sign by the door!  There is a waiting room with seats and sofas of the Kaiser sort, and a set of dressing rooms in back.  I’m shown to one, and swap top and bra for the usual breezy exam gown, bag my own clothing, and head to the waiting room.

After a few minutes a tech finds me, and brings me to an imaging room, where once again I face the Hologic boob smasher.   Three images are taken.

The first image this time is horizontal.  The second is another 45 degree shot, at right angles to the one done last Saturday.  The third is another 45 degree shot, with a special extra-squeezy plate loaded in the machine.

Ow.

Ok, the images look good, so they go off to the radiologist, and I go back to the waiting room.

After about 20 minutes, which I occupy with getting a cup of coffee and doing a little reading, another person summons me to the door, and then takes me aside and starts whispering to me.  Uh oh....

Calm... calm... listen to the words. OK, there is a little problem (Hey!  Blood pressure spikes!).  The radiologist wants to follow up with an ultrasound.  (Oh, that sort of problem.)  They can make an ‘appointment’ for an immediate scan and followup with the radiologist, but there will be an additional copay.  (Oh, is THAT all?)

So, I go to the admitting desk in the clinic, pay the ticket, and head back to the waiting room.  The appointment is in 15 minutes.  No big deal.

The ultrasound tech finds me, and escorts me to the Ultrasound Room.  I get to pop the top, and lie on my back, one arm behind my head.  Gel and probe time.

Goddess be praised!  They actually warmed the gel and probe!  I lie back and think of England.  Why can’t they make a decent steak?  And what’s with Manchester United, anyway?

The tech says she has good images, and they are off to the radiologist, who will be there in a few minutes.  I get to rest on the table, with a warmed, soft towel over my breasts.  (I am starting to think women were involved in equipping and procedural planning for this facility.)

Another young woman knocks and enters.  This is my radiologist!  She decides to look at a few spots, so I get a little more warm gel applied, and spend a few minutes holding still.   Mmmmm... Hmmmm...  OK.  No problems.

I have a little dense tissue that made imaging tricky, and since they had no baseline in the Kaiser records, they wanted to be very sure about whether or not there was a problem.  Next time should be much easier as they will be able to check for changes against the baseline.

So, clean checkup, just the common dense breast tissue.

I Fought For You. Will You Fight For Me?

I fought for you.  Will you fight for me?

We fought for you.  Will you fight for us?

The Trump administration is trying to attack health care for trans veterans.

The Department of Veterans Affairs (VA) is currently asking for comments from the general public about whether to provide health care to trans veterans.

Send in a comment by September 7, 2018 telling the Trump administration that all veterans deserve the care their doctors recommend!

http://salsa4.salsalabs.com/o/51171/p/dia/action4/common/public/?action_KEY=25302

I am Michelle Paquette, a transgender veteran of the US Navy.  I suffered from gender dysphoria for decades, along with the socially induced depression and anxiety related to fear of discovery and condemnation.  I received the medically necessary care my doctors prescribed, and am doing much better, a happier, active member of my community and society at large.

I have seen what denying medically necessary care can do.  I have seen the anxiety and depression reaching the point where folks gave in to substance abuse, becoming alcoholics and drug abusers.  I have seen the suicides and attempts from those unable to receive proper medical care.

All eligible veterans deserve medically necessary care, and it is wrong to single out any group of veterans to deny medical care. Excluding medical treatments for gender dysphoria hurts veterans who have proudly served their country, harming their health and in some cases putting their lives at risk.

Transgender people have served with honor, for decades.  We proudly and patriotically volunteered to serve in our nations armed forces, and we feel this assault doubly on our identity, on who we are.  Our brothers, our sisters, our family and allies have been targeted.  We know the price of freedom, and this test of our freedom and resolve cannot be allowed to pass.

I was a transgender person in the US Navy, not out, but a dedicated and patriotic person there to serve my country and defend the Constitution of the United States against all enemies, foreign AND domestic.

Being transgender but not out made life considerably harder.

Sharon Brown, a Navy veteran now working as director of human resources at the Los Angeles LGBT Center described this.  “You’re less productive, you’re always on guard,” she explained. “It takes a lot of energy to hide who you are when that energy could be used for other things. When you can be open, you’re much happier, you’re much more engaged. The sun truly comes up when you’re allowed to be who you are and it’s shining all day long because you can actually serve as your authentic self and be proud of who you are.”

I worked very hard, as many trans military members do, and like many other trans folks, was an overachiever.  I was in the Navy Nuclear Power Program, and I impressed the staff sufficiently that I was asked to stay on for two years as an instructor after I completed the Nuclear Power Schools.  Following that tour, I was assigned to a submarine, one of the most decorated boats in the fleet, and crewed by more overachievers.  And yes, as I found out years later, that included several other trans folks.  I racked up more awards.

I received the Navy Achievement Medal, several presidential citations and command citations.  I completed a Bachelor of Science degree in Physics.  My crew was awarded the Nave Expeditionary Medal for our mission performance, along with the Battle ‘E’ and Engineering ‘E.  Besides my primary Engineering duties, I took on duties in the fire control racking party, damage control party, and was assistant ship’s photographer, recording mission data and assembling media for reports to COMSUBPAC.  I was the Engineering Dept 3M Coordinator, overseeing all maintenance and care for the nuclear power plant, engines and support systems.

Trans folks tend to be driven overachievers.  (Just ask anyone who knows me…)  We work hard to try and be accepted, far harder than those born with their assigned sex and gender identity in line, because we really do have something we need to prove.

We trans folks are among the best and brightest in the service.  We fought for you.  We served at great risk to ourselves.  We were promised by our government that after our service, we would receive care and consideration for our service as veterans.

Medical decisions should be made by medical professionals based on current standards of care. Nobody should put themselves between veterans and the care their VA health care providers have recommended.