Me and We; Call to Worship for National Coming Out Day

 Me and We; National Coming Out Day

Call to Worship for the October 11, 2020 service at Mt. Diablo Unitarian Universalist Church

When we as individuals make choices, we each tend to consider what might be best for ourselves.  This is normal and natural, a way we act to keep ourselves safe.  Something I ask that we consider, though, is how our choices impact others who share our interconnected web of life.

Today we are faced with the consequences of choices made years ago.  As the President said last week; “Elections have consequences.”  Now, years ago, each of us may have been considering our tax situation, our own desires, or perhaps our frustration with The System when we cast our votes.  Those votes have had consequences, however, that have a much broader impact than ourselves.

These consequences are having a profound effect on me, my partner, and many others in my community.  

Today is National Coming Out Day, a day established by LGBTQ activists in order to maintain positivity and celebrate coming out.  Most people think they don't know anyone gay, lesbian, bi, queer, or trans, and in fact, everybody does. It is imperative that we come out, let people know who we are and disabuse them of their fears and stereotypes.

There are a few things each person considering coming out really needs to be aware of:

• You may lose friends and family.
• You’re going to be OK; You are not always going to feel OK, but you’re going to be OK.
• If you want to make it, you’re going to have to learn to ask for help.
• It’s worth it!

When coming out as a transgender person, there are a few additional things to know:

• A gender transition may be too much to bear even for liberal family members.
• Should you try hormone replacement therapy… It’s like being a teenager all over again, both good and bad!
• Your sexuality may shift.

I’d like to disclose that I am a woman who is attracted to other women, and just last week I was honored to be married to Laurie, my life partner, in a ceremony held right here at Mt Diablo Unitarian Universalist Church, officiated by our own lead minister.

I am also a woman of transgender experience, forced to live part of my life pretending to be a man to try to avoid the abuse this culture heaps on anyone failing to meet narrow social standards.

Now, y’all know at least one LGBTQ person.

The consequences of the individual choices made by others have a profound impact on me.  In a 4 page opinion issued October 5, two Supreme Court justices referred to the Obergefell v. Hodges decision that allowed Laurie and I to be married; “The court has created a problem that only it can fix.”  They explicitly want to invalidate my marriage and are awaiting the appointment of a new justice who shares their opinion, an appointment made and to be approved by elected officials in our government.

Elections have consequences, indeed.

As military veterans, Laurie and I were were happy to learn that on June 30, 2016, Secretary Carter and the Obama administration approved a policy rescinding the decades-old ban on transgender persons serving in the military, after a study found no real reason, no real impact on readiness for maintaining the old ban. 

We were dismayed when the current elected Commander in Chief revoked our ability to serve with a midnight tweet.

Elections have consequences, indeed.

The Department of Housing and Urban Development, in a new ruling driven by elected officials, allows homeless shelters to assign individuals to housing based on their sex as assigned at birth.  If I am in a community where shelters operate under this rule, I would be assigned to a mens shelter.  I feel that I would rather sleep rough, on the street, than be placed at risk of violent abuse again.

Elections have consequences, indeed.

When we as individuals make choices, I ask that each of us consider not only our own wishes, but the impact of our choices on:

• The inherent worth and dignity of every person;
• Justice, equity and compassion in human relations;
• Respect for the interdependent web of all existence of which we are a part.

Let us consider this further today, as we worship together.

Commentary on the Alliance Defending Freedom response to the Supreme Court LGBTQ Employment Ruling

As many of us would expect, the Alliance Defending Freedom, an anti-LGBTQ rights organization and hate group, had a few things to say after finding itself on the losing side of the Supreme Court ruling on LGBTQ employment rights.

The Southern Poverty Law Center describes the ADF:

Founded by some 30 leaders of the Christian Right, the Alliance Defending Freedom is a legal advocacy and training group that has supported the recriminalization of sexual acts between consenting LGBTQ adults in the U.S. and criminalization abroad; has defended state-sanctioned sterilization of trans people abroad; has contended that LGBTQ people are more likely to engage in pedophilia; and claims that a “homosexual agenda” will destroy Christianity and society. ADF also works to develop “religious liberty” legislation and case law that will allow the denial of goods and services to LGBTQ people on the basis of religion. Since the election of President Trump, ADF has become one of the most influential groups informing the administration’s attack on LGBTQ rights.

https://www.splcenter.org/fighting-hate/extremist-files/group/alliance-defending-freedom

After Aimee Stephens came out to her employers, the Harris Funeral Homes, and indicated her intention to transition, she was fired, explicitly because she was a transgender person and therefore failed to meet the dress code for male employees her employer demanded she follow.  The Equal Employment Opportunity Commission backed her, and the case was litigated with decisions in Aimee’s favor.  On the opposite side of the case was the Alliance Defending Freedom, representing her employer and funded through it’s very conservative Christian backers.

After losing at the U.S. Court of Appeals for the Sixth Circuit, which ruled that not only was this discrimination, but the Religious Freedom Restoration Act did not allow an exemption in the case, the Alliance Defending Freedom decided to take the case to the Supreme Court.

That court decision has now been published:

“An employer who fires an individual for being homosexual or transgender fires that person for traits or actions it would not have questioned in members of a different sex. Sex plays a necessary and undisguisable role in the decision, exactly what Title VII forbids."

- US Supreme Court, Harris Funeral Homes vs EEOC Majority Opinion, 2020

https://www.supremecourt.gov/opinions/19pdf/17-1618_hfci.pdf

There it is.  Sex plays a necessary and undisguisable role in the decision, exactly what Title VII forbids. There isn’t any wiggle room in this very clear ruling.

Naturally, this upset the Alliance Defending Freedom, and they voiced their outrage and disappointment on their website today.

https://www.adflegal.org/blog/supreme-court-delivers-troubling-decision-against-harris-funeral-homes

“Redefining “sex” to mean “gender identity” creates chaos, with widespread consequences for everyone.

• It undermines dignity, privacy, and equal opportunities for women.
• It could compel professionals from all walks of life to refer to colleagues with pronouns and other sex-specific terms according to gender identity rather than biology.
• It puts employers like Tom in difficult positions—requiring them to treat men who believe themselves to be women as if they are in fact women, even if that results in violating the bodily privacy rights of other employees.

The bottom line is that ignoring biological reality in our laws threatens our freedoms of conscience, religion, and speech.”

OK, they said their piece.  Let’s dismantle these intellectual droppings.

ADF writes: “Redefining “sex” to mean “gender identity” creates chaos, with widespread consequences for everyone.”

The Supreme Court decision did not do this.  Instead, they simply applied a test.  If Aimee had been assigned a female sex at birth, would she have been fired?  No, she was only fired because she had been assigned a male sex at birth.  She was fired for failing to adhere to the dress code of her assigned at birth sex, while she identified as a woman and adhered to the woman’s dress code of her employer.

Her employer fired her.  Sex played a necessary and undisguisable role in the decision, exactly what Title VII forbids.

ADF writes: “It undermines dignity, privacy, and equal opportunities for women.”

Rights are not a pie, in which a larger slice for one person means smaller slices for others.  Transgender persons, just as women are, are entitled to human rights, the fundamental rights that belong to every person.  Persons who are cisgender (that is, not transgender), or are transgender deserve to live, even flourish within their communities, with freedom to work, love, learn and play.  Both cisgender and transgender persons should be able to build their lives at home, at work, and in public spaces without fear for their safety and survival.  

Each human life, cisgender or transgender, is and should be the prerogative of the individual, deserving of the law’s equal protection.   It is very unlikely that people with a transgender identity simply choose their identity, unlike a freely chosen religious belief, yet the USA protects this choice of religion.  A property as intrinsic to the individual as their gender identity, whether cisgender or transgender, is something at the core of the individual.  The choices each individual makes about the expression of their gender, as a human being, whether cisgender or transgender, affect fundamental aspects of the individual’s identity at work, in school, and in the community, and are supported by our laws and policies, now at the federal level with this Supreme Court opinion.

ADF writes: “It could compel professionals from all walks of life to refer to colleagues with pronouns and other sex-specific terms according to gender identity rather than biology.”

Yes, it’s true.  Professionals really shouldn’t be assholes towards their colleagues.  That’s just... unprofessional.  Professionals don’t typically refer to colleagues with racial epithets, and professionals don’t typically refer to persons of another sex with sexualized or belittling language, either, if they wish to continue their employment.   Colleagues are supposed to be collegial, right?

Oh, and biology?  A person’s being transgender rather than cisgender is almost certainly due to biology, nature and not nurture.  It’s not mere chromosomes, but a complex dance of genetics, the uterine environment, chemistry, timing, and fetal brain development.  This biology appears to set the gender identity, and in some cases, about as common as natural redheads, this biology sets a gender identity deep in the brain that does not match the genitals that determine the assigned sex at birth.

ADF writes: “It puts employers like Tom in difficult positions—requiring them to treat men who believe themselves to be women as if they are in fact women, even if that results in violating the bodily privacy rights of other employees.”

These are not men who believe themselves to be women.  These are women whose bodies were assigned a male sex at birth, but whose gender identity deep in the brain is that of a woman.  These are men whose bodies were assigned a female sex at birth, but whose gender identity deep in the brain is that of a man.  These are non-binary people who decide to live true to their gender identity.

These are people who have made the decision to finally live as their authentic selves, deciding to stop hiding themselves within a false front matching the assigned sex at birth and constructed painfully for the purpose of protecting themselves and pleasing others.  Their gender identity is at the very core of their being.  The choices each individual makes about the expression of their gender, as a human being, whether cisgender or transgender, affect fundamental aspects of the individual’s identity at work, in school, and in the community, and are supported by our laws and policies, as affirmed by this decision of the Supreme Court of the land.

If an employer’s workplace is constructed so as be violating the bodily privacy rights of employees, whether of the same or a different anatomy or sex, that employer may want to reconsider how their workplace is set up.  I know that in the women’s room, no other woman can observe details of my anatomy, as we have doors on each stall.  Mens rooms also include urinals, but there can be dividers installed to afford the men a little more privacy.  There are very nice gender-neutral restroom designs available, should one be planning a significant remodel of the facilities.

ADF writes: “The bottom line is that ignoring biological reality in our laws threatens our freedoms of conscience, religion, and speech.”

The biological reality is that transgender people exist, and are human beings, entitled to the same basic human rights as cisgender persons.  If the existence of these people violates your freedoms of conscience, religion, and speech, I have to ask; what exactly do you expect society to do about this?  

Erasure of an entire population of human beings has been suggested by a few of your supporters, however, I suspect that would be considered a violation of the human rights of that population.

Perhaps, just perhaps, it is time to sit with your conscience, and look deep within yourself to see where these feelings come from.  A deeply held belief system is all well and good, until it conflicts with reality.  Remember that your freedoms end when they curtail the basic human rights of another, just as their rights end where they would curtail your own basic human rights.

Your religion, and your speech are your choices.  You are free to make choices that align with reality and civil behavior.  You are free to make different choices, as long as you do not curtail the basic human rights of others.

These are your choices.  Choose wisely.

Barriers...

Being trans isn’t easy, and on those days when you feel confident enough to let down your barriers, someone may do or say something to remind you of why you built them so high in the first place.

Navigating the Social Minefield

We are the summation of all our life experience, including that which results from the sex assigned at birth.

I personally reject the idea that the sex assigned at birth determines all of my identity, drawing a hard boundary around the gender role and presentation I am permitted, and forcing me to remain in one little box of gender identity.

I am aware of the potentialities of biology and biochemistry, and understand the path this body has taken from conception onward, resulting in a person who has transcended the boundaries that this culture draws around gender identity, presentation, and role.  My awareness demands that I reject the ideologies that declare assigned sex at birth to be all, or even the primary determinant as to which cultural boundaries I must remain within.

I recognize that there are those whose ideology demands that they deny the validity of my experience, and who demand that I remain within the bounds set by assigned sex at birth.

I also recognize that there are those who accept part of my path and my experience, but for whom my origin and experience are insufficiently pure, ideologically unacceptable in summation, to be worthy of their chosen labels.

These various interacting ideologies and prejudgements make social interactions a bit of a minefield. Living in a culture that insists on a gender binary, and only accepts a narrow set of paths through life can lead to someone like me being rejected or viewed as undesirable by some others.  While I personally do push hard for acceptance and recognition that people like me are human and valid, I don’t do this to deliberately others cause discomfort in others. I wouldn’t be comfortable pushing into a crowd that rejects my right to exist as myself.

I would, for example, no more demand entry to a “womyn-born-womyn” event than I would try to attend a Klu Klux Klan rally, for similar reasons.  I’d be encountering people whose ideology denies the validity of my existence, and who would not be swayed by my presence.

I do have to be mindful that not all such groups label themselves clearly, and am careful to reach out to organizers in advance to make sure my attendance won’t cause difficulties.  I’ve run into situations where a group might tolerate me, but other individuals there are uncomfortable with my presence.  I generally will drop such groups, rather than have my presence cause issues.

This is an area that lies outside the experience of the typical white upper-middle-class cisgender woman, but is a part of my life.  I am somewhat social and extroverted, and can’t really live my life closeted to avoid causing discomfort to others.

Transgender Day of Remembrance 2019: Speech at Todos Santos Plaza with Rainbow Community Center

Welcome!  I am Michelle Paquette, and my pronouns are she/her/hers.   I am a person who transcends cultural gender boundaries, that is, I am a transgender person. In my case, as in many others, when I was born the regions of the brain that mediate perception of my body didn’t match the sex assigned to my body.  To put it simply, my body didn’t fit my gender identity.  We try to reconcile this as best we can, adjusting our gender presentation, roles, perhaps even through medical care.

This mismatch occurs slightly less often than natural redheads do, a normal if infrequent expression of biological diversity.  Transgender people are normal, if not common, but are also the target of pervasive and persistent violence for simply existing.

"Transgender Day of Remembrance seeks to highlight the losses we face due to anti-transgender bigotry and violence.“, said founder Gwendolyn Ann Smith,  who started this day in 1999 as a vigil to honor the memory of Rita Hester, killed in 1998, and all those killed through violence.  She continued “...it is vitally important that those we lose are remembered, and that we continue to fight for justice."

Transgender people are a living study in intersectionality.  All transgender people can be the target of transmisia,  Transmisia is prejudice plus power, systemized discrimination or antagonism directed against transgender/nonbinary/genderqueer/agender persons.  Historically, 17 percent of all reported violent hate crimes against LGBTQ people are directed against those who identified themselves as transgender.

Now, add into this systemic misogyny, entrenched prejudices against women within this culture, doubly impacting all transgender persons with a femme presentation. About two-thirds of all reported violent hate crimes against transgender people are aimed at transgender women and femmes.

Next, add into this systemic racism, embedded in all social institutions, structures, and social relations within our society, which triply impacts transgender women and femmes of color.  Historically, over 80 percent of murdered transgender women are persons of color.

Transgender Americans experience poverty at double the rate of the general population, and transgender people of color experience even higher rates.  We have an unemployment rate three times the general population, and transgender people of color are unemployed at a rate of four times the general population.   Poverty and unemployment or underemployment impact transgender people’s housing and medical care, and so stability and quality of life. Those without access to stable housing and employment and left out on the streets are most vulnerable to violence.

We have seen the federal government act to permit discrimination against transgender persons everywhere from adoption services, through medical care, and even emergency shelter.  We have seen our government argue in the courts that gender identity discrimination is not a sex related discrimination, and that discrimination against transgender people is perfectly legal.

We have seen the government ban military service for transgender persons, who have served honorably, as I have.  We saw the government try to legally define gender to be irrevocably the sex assigned at birth.

We have seen propaganda campaigns that try to demonize transgender people, as part of a broad campaign to make simply living our lives more difficult.  We have seen a new campaign launched, built on curated misinformation and aimed at transgender children and student athletes.

Allies, no, accomplices, consider what author Imogen Binnie suggested a few years ago on Twitter: ask what the article or conversation would have trans people do. And “if the answer is something like ‘not be trans,’ please consider that most trans people have tried that and it didn’t work.” And if you are having a conversation in public or private that at its core is debating whether a person should exist, please re-consider the value of that conversation.

These campaigns impact transgender youth disproportionately.

   

“Every day they have to hear these terrible things. They are less than a person, they can’t count, they can’t use the bathroom of their choice, they can get fired just for being who they are,” said Alexis Chavez of the Trevor Project.  The Project’s research has shown some disturbing results: More than half of transgender youths have seriously considered suicide; 78% reported being the subject of discrimination because of their identity.

Since January 1 in the United States, 22 transgender or gender non-conforming people were fatally shot or killed by other violent means. We say at least because too often these stories go unreported -- or misreported. 

Worldwide, in the one year period ending October first, at least three hundred sixty-eight (368) transgender persons died in violence.  Thirty of these were in the United States, including deaths from violence under suspicious circumstances, and five more driven to suicide that we know of.

We have been meeting like this for twenty years.  In that time, 3,317 trans and non-binary people have been recorded as dead through violence around the world.   Transgender women of color bear the brunt of this terrible burden. 

The visibility of transgender people can not be denied. We live in your neighborhoods.  We are doctors and lawyers, ministers and judges, sex workers and artists.  We are the same as everyone else.

We are here, and we will not be erased.    We will not be erased.

WE WILL NOT BE ERASED.

Call to Worship: Sacrifice and Refueling

Welcome!  I am Michelle Paquette, and  my pronouns are she/her/hers.

I want to tell you a story from my youth, a tale of sacrifice and support.  To understand this tale, I need to disclose a few things about myself.  I was born in 1953, and reached my teenage years in the late 1960s here in the Bay Area. I am also a person who transcends cultural gender boundaries, that is, I am a transgender person. In my case, as in many others, when I was born the regions of the brain that mediate perception of my body didn’t match the sex assigned to my body.  That is, my body didn’t fit my gender identity.

This mismatch occurs about as often as natural redheads do, a normal if infrequent expression of biological diversity.  

When I reached my teens, the changes that started to happen in my body were seen as incorrect by the brain’s perceptual network, triggering a strong and persistent sense that something was wrong.  The medical folks call this gender dysphoria.  Normally, if something was wrong or really bothering me I would have talked to my Mom or our parish priest for guidance, but observation and experience told me that this would be a really bad idea.   I had to sacrifice any expression of my authentic self, and hide beside a false front to avoid conflict at home.

Instead, I experimented.  I found that growing my hair out helped.  If I could dress in a more feminine style, that helped a bit.  I was discovering that shifting my gender presentation could be a coping mechanism, but it really wasn’t enough.  I couldn’t talk to anyone.

I did read the paper, though.  Eventually I read that something radical was happening over in San Francisco.  For an extra dime, the bus would take me over to the city.

I put on my flared jeans, my platform shoes (oh, yay 1960s!), and packed a rather BoHo top in my bag.  When I got to the TransBay Terminal, I ducked into a restroom, changed my shirt for the top, brushed my hair out, and took off into the city, just another 14 year old hippie chick.  I would repeat this trip many times in the next few years.

I found my way to the Tenderloin, and discovered others like me.  There were groups that gathered at Glide Memorial, and over on Van Ness at the “Center for Special Problems”.  Older women gave me the “Dutch Auntie” treatment, showing me where it was safe to go, where I could rest or eat, and how to avoid being arrested.  

The other teens were amazing.  I made friends, actual friends!  Some were living on their own, or in ‘group homes’ with a half dozen living together in a Tenderloin hotel room.  We talked, sharing and caring for one another.  We listened to one another.  We helped and protected one another.  

As the group dynamics shifted, we shifted our preferred hangout over to the Golden Gate Park panhandle and the growing community of nonconformists in the Haight-Ashbury neighborhood.  There, nobody seemed to care about our nature.   We could fold and stuff copies of a local paper for food or a place to crash.  Amazing music was everywhere.  And best of all, I got to just be myself, with others like me. These were the best days of my youth.

That gave me the strength to get through all the days I had to stay hidden, so my existence wouldn’t upset everyone around me at home and school.

I don’t have to hide any more.  The days of sacrificing my own existence to avoid upsets are behind me.  I am part of a community where we can support and spiritually refuel one another.  

Let’s look at how we do this today, as we worship together.

Femme and Queer - A bit of a personal manifesto

I stubbornly refuse to meet the expectations of others.

“Ah! Sorry… totally forgot to re-arrange my aesthetic markers today so you wouldn’t be confused about my personal desires and identity. Maybe you should just go on ahead and rearrange your faulty assumptions and leave me the hell alone.”

 - Tiffany Lee

I’m a woman.  I am queer.  I am attracted to other women.  I am a demisexual who needs that fundamental human connection before anything else, and I am a transgender person.

I am femme.  That many be the biggest offense of all.  I don't meet expectations.

I am not femme in that tired femme/butch dynamic that was so rigidly enforced.  I am not femme to please men.  I am not femme to become invisible.  I refer to the more current use of femme, which includes trans women, bi and pansexual women, non-binary folks, and many others who intentionally play with femininity and feminine presentation.

I am femme because it pleases me, feels right, and fits my identity and sense of aesthetics.  I consider it a bonus that my femme presentation annoys the patriarchy, the social structure that insists I can only be safe if I wear shapeless garb that covers and conceals, that protects the most privileged from their apparent lack of self control.  The idea of wearing baggy painter’s pants and flannel shirts just so someone else can be comfortable and smugly think that they know who I am, which box to file me in, is something I reject.

Trained hundreds of
nuclear power plant
operators and crossed
the North Pole
in a submarine.

My feminine presentation is a part of who I am.  I enjoy wearing skirts, simply cut draped tops and colorful wraps.  I love the feel of a nicely structured dress, and feeling a cooling breeze on my legs on a hot day.  I love the swish and snug warmth of a woolen maxi in midwinter.  I enjoy a little makeup to help define my best features, and occasionally a bit more for a fun evening out.  I am unapologetic about my choosing and enjoying these sensory experiences.

My feminine presentation does not totally define me. I have skills and talents I have developed that this patriarchal culture does not consider feminine, and that’s a little box I am delighted to kick my high heels through.

Are my femme practices merely reinforcing heteronormative gender stereotypes?  Well, what this culture demands is that I wear Dockers and polo shirts, dredging up tired old tropes of birth sex and karyotype.  I insist on being a woman, and my gender identity informs my gender presentation.  

So, am I then a stereotypical heteronormative woman?  Perhaps at first glance, first thought, but approach me, talk with me for a minute, and I will happily, thoughtlessly stand those stereotypes on their head.  Femme, yes.  But meeting the cultural standards for being girly or feminine?  Not so much.  That fine womanly subordination or weakness so encouraged by this culture seems to be missing in action!  

Madeleine Blum of the band “Unstraight” puts it: “The queer world is about breaking away from stereotypical gender roles. Anyone who is girly/feminine is not necessarily femme. Femme is an identity; feminine and girly are descriptors.”

I do hope that my femme practices make the patriarchal heteronormative gender police nervous.   Yes, gender police.  The folks who try to enforce cultural norms, telling me that I’m being myself incorrectly, making the laughable assumption that they know who my authentic self is better than I.  

"We live in a culture that celebrates masculinity and demonizes and shames femininity’s and those habits don't go away in the queer community."

 - Anna Bongiovanni

Holds nineteen patents and has
rebuilt a Triumph engine and
manual transmission.

Being queer and femme fails to meet cultural expectations, with the interesting result that folks tend to interpret my appearance as meaning that I am straight.  It doesn’t matter if these are straight, queer, or even queer femmes doing the interpretation. My appearance gets plugged straight into a cultural stereotype, and assumptions built on that stereotype are applied to me.

The cultural expectation is that a woman attracted to women will automatically reject gender roles, including appearance, as a part of rejecting the heterosexual role the culture assigns.   The cultural expectation is that women attracted to women will adopt a butch presentation, and men attracted to men will adopt a more feminine presentation.  Yes, that’s right, the cultural expectation is that we will continue to apply the broken gender binary model even when queer.

The cultural expectation is that we will sustain that gender binary in the roles we take, with those roles tightly bound to our sexuality.

I am not going to fulfill these cultural expectations.   I am going to do as I please.  I am a femme queer woman with a transgender history, attracted to other women who can take the time to forge that emotional connection with me.

Should you be prone to committing acts of assumption, know that your cultural stereotypes do not interest me, and if you make the mistake of assuming that I fit some stereotype, know that at some point I will happily, joyfully shock you.

I ran across the Tiffany Lee and Madeleine Blum quotes while researching another topic, and the ideas they stimulated caught fire with me, resulting in this little article.

Call To Worship - March 31, 2019 - "THE ADVENTURE OF GETTING OLDER" and Trans Day of Visibility

Rev. Sammons will explore the adventure of getting older, both as a minister now retired and as a person who wants to remember the poets adage: “Birth and death are the landmarks but it’s the field between that’s important.” Rev. David Sammons is the Minister Emeritus at MDUUC.

Rev. Sammons is building his sermon on an excerpt from “The Fountain of Age” by Betty Friedan.

Welcome!  I am Michelle Paquette, pronouns she/her/hers.

“Birth and death are the landmarks but it’s the field between that’s important.”  OK, where was this advice 50 years ago when I needed it most?

It was impressed on me at an early age that I had a duty of self-sacrifice, a duty to live my life for others, and that actions for myself were selfish.  I spent much of my life doing this, living the way others demanded.  I essentially marked time, rusting away, soul corroding, waiting for death to ring down the curtain on this performance.

Betty Friedan made the point in “The Fountain of Age” that wearing out is far preferable to rusting out.

Several years ago, I had a crisis of sorts that forced me to re-examine the way I lived my life.  I acted. Rather than rust out, I was going to live, live MY life, and see if I could wear it out instead.

Well, so far, so good!  I’m definitely alive, definitely enjoying life, and while I may wear out I’m definitely not rusting out.

Oh, the dress!

This is something special just for today.  These colors come from a flag designed by Monica Helms, the Transgender Pride flag.  I’ve learned that 70% of folks think they have never met a transgender person.  Now, none of you are in that 70%!   I wear these colors proudly as a transgender person today.

This is the Transgender Day of Visibility, a day to show your support for the trans community. It aims to bring attention to the accomplishments of trans people around the globe while fighting fear and prejudice, by spreading knowledge of the trans community.  This is not a day for mourning: this is a day of empowerment and recognition.

This year, we need allies more than ever.  No, what we need are co-conspirators!  Come and join us at 4 this afternoon in Civic Park, downtown Walnut Creek!

For the transgender communities, today is a day to celebrate our lives, our successes of the past year.

For my trans siblings, we who transcend gender have looked beneath the surface, and have seen depths that most do not realize even exist.  We know these depths within ourselves, these places that most may never encounter. We know the strength, the resilience, and the wisdom we hold deep within us.

Now, let us all, together, explore the adventure of getting older, and perhaps  find ways to wear out rather than rust out, as we worship together.

Surgery: Stage 2 revisions and breast augmentation

I had a full depth Gender Confirmation Surgery (GCS) 16 months ago, done as a single-stage procedure, but unfortunately the clitoral hood and labia minora shrank away, leaving some very sensitive spots very exposed.  There’s a reason I don’t wear pants very often!  Ow...

I now have a surgery scheduled for February 26 with Dr. Salim of the San Francisco Gender Clinic, at Kaiser San Francisco for a revision and breast augmentation (BA).

On the GCS revision, the plan is to fuse the very top of the labia majora to construct a clitoral hood, produce a pair of folds within the labia majora so as to reconstruct the labia minora, and at the posterior end the fourchette or labial frenulum, a fold of tissue joining the labia, will be lowered to be level with the introitus or vaginal entry.  (This will make dilation much easier.)

I’ll be off dilation for 3-4 days after surgery, and may have to restart using a narrower dilator at first.  Not a big deal.

I will be using that donut pillow again for a while, though.

For the BA, I’ll be getting 300cc implants.  These will be circular smooth-surface lightly cohesive with medium profile.  (Other profiles may be flat to extended or conical).  With my particular anatomy and pectoral muscle form, I will probably have the most natural appearance and improved aureole placement with an over-muscle implant, with incision in the new breast fold.  I should wind up with something like a 36C.

I’ll be on restricted activity for a month, and won’t be able to lift my arms above shoulder height for a while.  I’ll have to shuffle the kitchen around quite a bit!

—

And here I am, three days post-op! 

There’s a little discomfort at the labiaplasty site, nothing terrible.  I did use a minimal half tablet of the Norco equivalent I was prescribed to get to sleep last night.  The breast augmentation (BA) mostly just itches around the sides of the medical bra.  The Velcro front fastening on the bra kept coming loose until I put a safety pin through it, before I even left the hospital.  Having a BA?  Bring safety pins!

This morning marked the date I was to remove the bra and shower.  Oh, what a relief that is!  Of course, the unveiling produced it’s own reaction.  For just 300cc on a side, well, damn!    The incisions are quite small, surprising me.  It looks like they will wind up right on the fold, almost invisible.  I’ll start the silicone scar treatment as soon as I am cleared for this by the doctor.

I reapplied A&D ointment (allergic to bacitracin) on the labiaplasty sutures, and put on a fresh pad again.  Bleeding has almost stopped, just a tiny amount of oozing there.  I’ve been cleaning and swapping in fresh pads twice a day.

The Foley catheter is, well, a catheter, with all its own maintenance.  I have a night bag, a leg bag for daytime, and I have to drain them periodically as well as the sanitizing after swapping bags.  I’ve been more active yesterday afternoon and today, and of course that means the catheter tip and lumen (drain opening just behind the tip) have likely been brushing against the bladder lining.  A couple of clots have shown up in the bag, right after a twinge that tells me bladder pressure dropped suddenly.  They likely used a single-lumen catheter and the tiny opening was plugged by a clot.   I have to keep an eye on this, as a plugged indwelling catheter can cause significant problems.  (I can remove it, worst case, and suspect I can now pee on my own as swelling has started to subside.)

After the shower, I had to re-don a sports bra to maintain pressure and placement.  But first...

I have a fun Tommy Bahama resortware dress, rather open on top, that was a bit problematic to wear out in public.  I’d glue on a NuBra, and apply bronzer to try and fake cleavage out of my 34A-B bust.  Now, however, I can just wear it to good effect!

Rite of Passage: The Mammogram at Kaiser...

It’s a rite of passage. 

I am sitting in a medical building on a Saturday morning awaiting my first mammogram.   I’m all nerves and “what-ifs”.   We shall see.

Here we go. 

...

Ow. 

Four images, vertical and at 45 degrees. A fairly hard pinch after considerable tugging by the tech. But, it’s done. 

I wasn’t lectured on not doing this earlier. I wasn’t misgendered. Nobody even mentioned my trans origins. I was just another woman.   That was nice, actually. 

Good images, according to the tech. Now they go to the radiologist. 

...

Kaiser just called.

The radiologist wants me at their mammography center over in Martinez, for further imaging and possible ultrasound on my left breast.

I’m hoping that my issue is just dense tissue.  The left side is less developed.  Let’s face it, Tanner Stage 2-3 mammaries on a 65 year old is sort of odd.

...

Tuesday night...  The Kaiser automated reminder system reminded me I have an appointment tomorrow.  Yeah.  I’m aware of it.  It takes me a while to finally get to sleep.

...

Wednesday morning, already?  I didn’t sleep all that well.  It’s 5:30AM, and I was planning on getting up a little after 6.  Ah, well.  Might as well get up now.  

I start my oatmeal to simmering, then take a quick shower and get dressed.  No deodorant or powders, per the Kaiser message’s instructions.  I brew my coffee, just one cup for now, and collect my oatmeal.  Breakfast...

I catch up on my mail and messages, and peek at the news while eating.  No new disasters out in the world to distract me, so I finish up and get my stuff together.  Out to the car, and off to Martinez...

I arrive at the Kaiser campus and park.  Yes, campus, with a hospital, and a number of outbuildings.  I want the Hacienda building.  There are signs and maps, and I eventually find the building.  They even have good signage inside the buildings.  I follow the arrows with the pink ribbon markers to the Mammography Clinic, and queue up, about 20 minutes early.

Pay the copay.  Collect one gown, and head to the Female Patient Lounge.  Yes, that is the sign by the door!  There is a waiting room with seats and sofas of the Kaiser sort, and a set of dressing rooms in back.  I’m shown to one, and swap top and bra for the usual breezy exam gown, bag my own clothing, and head to the waiting room.

After a few minutes a tech finds me, and brings me to an imaging room, where once again I face the Hologic boob smasher.   Three images are taken.

The first image this time is horizontal.  The second is another 45 degree shot, at right angles to the one done last Saturday.  The third is another 45 degree shot, with a special extra-squeezy plate loaded in the machine.

Ow.

Ok, the images look good, so they go off to the radiologist, and I go back to the waiting room.

After about 20 minutes, which I occupy with getting a cup of coffee and doing a little reading, another person summons me to the door, and then takes me aside and starts whispering to me.  Uh oh....

Calm... calm... listen to the words. OK, there is a little problem (Hey!  Blood pressure spikes!).  The radiologist wants to follow up with an ultrasound.  (Oh, that sort of problem.)  They can make an ‘appointment’ for an immediate scan and followup with the radiologist, but there will be an additional copay.  (Oh, is THAT all?)

So, I go to the admitting desk in the clinic, pay the ticket, and head back to the waiting room.  The appointment is in 15 minutes.  No big deal.

The ultrasound tech finds me, and escorts me to the Ultrasound Room.  I get to pop the top, and lie on my back, one arm behind my head.  Gel and probe time.

Goddess be praised!  They actually warmed the gel and probe!  I lie back and think of England.  Why can’t they make a decent steak?  And what’s with Manchester United, anyway?

The tech says she has good images, and they are off to the radiologist, who will be there in a few minutes.  I get to rest on the table, with a warmed, soft towel over my breasts.  (I am starting to think women were involved in equipping and procedural planning for this facility.)

Another young woman knocks and enters.  This is my radiologist!  She decides to look at a few spots, so I get a little more warm gel applied, and spend a few minutes holding still.   Mmmmm... Hmmmm...  OK.  No problems.

I have a little dense tissue that made imaging tricky, and since they had no baseline in the Kaiser records, they wanted to be very sure about whether or not there was a problem.  Next time should be much easier as they will be able to check for changes against the baseline.

So, clean checkup, just the common dense breast tissue.